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紫枫阁

紫芸天的世界里与每位朋友共享

 
 
 

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人的一生有苦有梦亦有乐,他们的点点滴滴不会随时出现,但他们的每一次出现会在记忆中成为永恒,在经历过这许多的爱恨后,我希望明天有更美的阳光与彩虹。为了找到属于自己的守护天使我要加倍的努力去呼吸,因为我永远坚信我最棒,我的明天会更好。希望在未来属与我的天空里

网易考拉推荐

NYU因为这篇文章而录取了Hugh Gallagher  

2010-05-02 10:13:23|  分类: english |  标签: |举报 |字号 订阅

  下载LOFTER 我的照片书  |

Hugh Gallagher是一个著名的喜剧家,这篇文章是90年代初他的大学申请essay,题目是很普通的"介绍你自己",但是Gallagher把这篇东西写神了。这篇比因特网还要年纪大的文章是长久以来的因特网传奇。

作者用了很朴实的词汇、简单的句型和琐碎的内容,展现了他对于语言的掌控能力和和充满幽默感的才气。虽然出自一个高中生之手,但是即使是被因特网上的种种幽默惯坏了的我看来,仍然是上乘之作。

非常羡慕这种语言上的天才。

=========================

 

IN ORDER FOR THE ADMISSIONS STAFF OF OUR COLLEGE TO GET TO KNOW YOU, THE APPLICANT, BETTER, WE ASK THAT YOU ANSWER THE FOLLOWING QUESTION: ARE THERE ANY SIGNIFICANT EXPERIENCES YOU HAVE HAD, OR ACCOMPLISHMENTS YOU HAVE REALIZED, THAT HAVE HELPED TO DEFINE YOU AS A PERSON?

By Hugh Gallagher

I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row.

I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.

Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets, I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard.

I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge.

I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes. Last summer I toured New Jersey with a travelling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat .400. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me.

I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me.

I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli and a toaster oven. I breed prize winning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.

But I have not yet gone to college.

 

============================

 

类似风格的作品其实还有大神George Carlin的Modern Man

YouTube视频 (个人认为是George Carlin最精彩的一段ranting)

 

I'm a modern man,

A man for the millennium,

Digital and smoke free.

A diversified multicultural postmodern deconstructionist,

Politically anatomically and ecologically incorrect.

I've been uplinked and downloaded.

I've been inputted and outsourced.

I know the upside of downsizing.

I know the downside of upgrading.

I'm a high tech lowlife.

A cutting edge state-of-the-art bicoastal multitasker,

And I can give you a gigabyte in a nanosecond.

I'm new wave but I'm old school,

And my inner child is outward bound.

I'm a hot wired heat seeking warm hearted cool customer,

Voice activated and biodegradable.

I interface from a database,

And my database is in cyberspace,

So I'm interactive, 

I'm hyperactive,

And from time-to-time, 

I'm radioactive.

Behind the eight ball,

Ahead of the curve,

Riding the wave,

Dodging a bullet,

Pushing the envelope.

I'm on point, 

On task, 

On message, 

And off drugs.

I got no need for coke and speed,

I got no urge to binge and purge.

I'm in the moment,

On the edge,

Over the top,

But under the radar.

A high concept, 

Low profile, 

Medium range ballistic missionary.

A street-wise smart bomb.

A top gun bottom feeder.

I wear power ties,

I tell power lies,

I take power naps,

I run victory laps.

I'm a totally ongoing bigfoot slam dunk rainmaker with a proactive outreach.

A raging workaholic.

A working ragaholic.

Out of rehab,

And in denial.

I got a personal trainer,

A personal shopper,

A personal assistant,

And a personal agenda.

You can't shut me up,

You can't dumb me down.

'Cause I'm tireless,

And I'm wireless.

I'm an alpha male on beta blockers.

I'm a non-believer and an over-achiever.

Laid back but fashion forward.

Up front, 

Down home, 

Low rent, 

High maintenance.

Super size,

Long lasting,

High definition,

Fast acting,

Oven ready,

And built to last.

I'm a hands on, 

Foot loose, 

Knee jerk, 

Head case.

Prematurely post traumatic,

And I have a love child who sends me hate mail.

But I'm feeling,

I'm caring,

I'm healing,

I'm sharing.

A supportive bonding nurturing primary care giver.

My output is down,

But my income is up.

I take a short position on the long bond,

And my revenue stream has its own cash flow.

I read junk mail,

I eat junk food,

I buy junk bonds,

I watch trash sports.

I'm gender specific,

Capital intensive,

User friendly,

And lactose intolerant.

I like rough sex.

I like rough sex.

I like tough love.

I use the f word in my email,

And the software on my hard drive is hard core, no soft porn.

I bought a microwave at a mini mall.

I bought a mini van in a mega store.

I eat fast food in the slow lane.

I'm toll free,

Bite sized,

Ready to wear,

And I come in all sizes.

A fully equipped,

Factory authorized,

Hospital tested,

Clinically proven,

Scientifically formulated medical miracle.

I've been pre-washed,

Pre-cooked,

Pre-heated,

Pre-screened,

Pre-approved,

Pre-packaged,

Post-dated,

Freeze-dried,

Double-wrapped,

Vacuum-packed,

And I have an unlimited broadband capacity.

I'm a rude dude,

But I'm the real deal.

Lean and mean.

Cocked, locked and ready to rock.

Rough tough and hard to bluff.

I take it slow.

I go with the flow.

I ride with the tide.

I got glide in my stride.

Drivin' and movin',

Sailin' and spinnin',

Jivin' and groovin',

Wailin' and winnin'.

I don't snooze,

So I don't lose.

I keep the pedal to the metal,

And the rubber on the road.

I party hearty,

And lunch time is crunch time.

I'm hanging in,

There ain't no doubt.

And I'm hanging tough,

Over and out.

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